8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

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IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?


purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again


What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?


Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up


Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.


Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?


Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth


Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*