8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
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what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.