I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
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Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]