@MissHavisham

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

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@AndreyasAsylum

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

@DurtMcHurtt

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

@rebrafsim

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

@1par8head

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

@JB1971_

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

@Crutnacker

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

@armyVet1972

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

@Tmoney68

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

@Token_Geezer

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

@Social_Mime

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)