8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
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Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates