8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
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don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”