8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
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chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
A French press is when you hug naked
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
*frowns in Scottish*
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.