8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
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my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep