@TheFearBoners

8 year old at the park said I threw like a girl. He found out I kick in the nuts like a girl too.

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@Eden_Eats

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

@CruisinSoozan

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

@shatty48

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

@BoogTweets

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

@prufrockluvsong

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

@iamspacegirl

Santa: its snowing Christmas is canceled Put everything in the garbage

Elves: no!

Rudolph: what if I told you I had a very small red light

@ArfMeasures

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though