@TheFearBoners

8 year old at the park said I threw like a girl. He found out I kick in the nuts like a girl too.

You Might Also Like

@ericsshadow

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

@Tmoney68

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

@mommajessiec

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

@squirrel74wkgn

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

@Rollinintheseat

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

@a_simpl_man

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

@Love_bug1016

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

@ObscureGent

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

@bjaynash

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.