I ditched my ex gf. For lying. Lying under my best friend.
8 year old at the park said I threw like a girl. He found out I kick in the nuts like a girl too.
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What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Santa: its snowing Christmas is canceled Put everything in the garbage
Rudolph: what if I told you I had a very small red light
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though