8 year old at the park said I threw like a girl. He found out I kick in the nuts like a girl too.

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My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”


Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.


Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.


Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.


[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?


STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous


“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.


And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?


[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.


Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.


Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.