My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
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Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.