@Mr_Kapowski

8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin

Me: You were a very hungry fetus-

Wife: Ok that’s enough time with Dad for today

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@Leemanish

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

@JohnnyCrash5

[First date & I’m super nervous]
Her: Are you ok?
Me: yesh.
Her: did u just say yesh?
Me: um Nosh.

@DanMentos

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

@CornOnTheGoblin

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

@PhilJamesson

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

@YayatiSB

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

@Freudianscript

Someone told me to settle down, & I wasn’t sure if they meant for me to calm down, or buy a house & start a family.

@toomanytoes

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

@pilau

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that