@Mr_Kapowski

8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin

Me: You were a very hungry fetus-

Wife: Ok that’s enough time with Dad for today

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@TheCatWhisprer

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

@bourgeoisalien

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

@pizzajaynow

When a Jehovah Witness dies, Heaven turns off all the lights and pretends no one is home.

@DeanB15

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

@Sickayduh

As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola, I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror and I think that says alot

@NolaChef504

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

@FudgeRobot

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

@panmidwest

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

@mrtruthandsoul

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

@michaelianblack

How come my wife can’t hold her bladder for more than three hours but she can hold a grudge for fourteen years?