why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
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I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.
Dear Google Maps,
Don’t insult me by telling me to head “southwest”. If I knew where southwest was, I wouldn’t be using you.
ME: Hey you haven’t talked to me lately, are you mad at me
FRIEND: No things are just really awful
ME: Oh thank god
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.