@XplodingUnicorn

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

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@youngscrap

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

@kiralc

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

@Cravin4

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

@djdarrellripley

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

@AGreaterMonster

This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.

@AthenaMystique

Dear Google Maps,

Don’t insult me by telling me to head “southwest”. If I knew where southwest was, I wouldn’t be using you.

Kthnxbye

@Home_Halfway

ME: Hey you haven’t talked to me lately, are you mad at me
FRIEND: No things are just really awful
ME: Oh thank god
FRIEND: What

@aveuaskew

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.