Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
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PSA: don’t write papers hammered and then turn them in like me🙃
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Apparently the unbuttoning of a shirt and letting your hair down for a cop only works for women.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan