8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

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Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?


Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.


Apparently the unbuttoning of a shirt and letting your hair down for a cop only works for women.


Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.


wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen


I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat


My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.


a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!


[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan