@XplodingUnicorn

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

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@gojarbe

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

@TheBoydP

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

@NYC_Blonde

Rihanna knows that diamonds are buried in volcanic rocks and those beautiful things in the sky are just hot balls of gas, right?

@kwkorpi

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

@lizzzzzielogan

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

@Paulmay018

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

@ArfMeasures

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

@clichedout

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

@SteveKoehler22

Fiber Monday is a great idea…
but is once a year often enough ?

Oh….it’s Cyber Monday ?

Never mind.

@SamePageDifDay

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?