[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
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straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Instead of saying, “YOLO”, try saying, “Carpe Diem”. You won’t sound like a douche andddd, you won’t sound like a douche.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new
Pfff….poetry is easy
Wow she actually noticed me!
Time to pick a different tree.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”