8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
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Bring back the McRib
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Huge, if true.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
🤣🤣🤣