8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
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gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.