8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

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This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere


Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.


“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.


I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.


him: you should really take something for your kleptomania
me: ok *steals the tv*


I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.


Me: Where’s your maternity section?

Her: Over there. How far along is she?

Me: Her? I’m shopping for my Thanksgiving pants.



Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart


As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”


I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away