the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
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If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
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sorry this might take a while…
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine