@mama_babble

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

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@iwearaonesie

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

@nodata4u

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

@ThisOneSayz

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

@ClichedOut

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

@retardedwriter

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

@neiltyson

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

@stuckinaportal

sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

@AndyAsAdjective

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine