8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
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With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>