8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
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ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.