[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
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Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead