ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee