@KrangTNelson

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

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@MatCro

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

@mrtruthandsoul

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

@DamienFahey

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

@FattMernandez

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

@karanbirtinna

In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.

@jessokfine

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

@bingowings14

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

@TheTweetOfGod

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

@SICKOFWOLVES

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

@iinkedZombie

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee