@LoveNLunchmeat

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

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@Mexpeach7

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

@Jeffwni

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

@junejuly12

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

@OtherDanOBrien

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.

@junejuly12

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: These heels are killing my feet but they’re so cute.
Me: These ugly Sketchers I’m wearing have insides made out of memory foam.

@TheToddWilliams

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

@PickleRudd

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

@Bizarro_Mark

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”