80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
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Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.