My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
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Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”