@DadandBuried

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

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@UnfilteredMama

My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

@lloydrang

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

@ThatBrenna

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

@3_livi

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

@thepaulahunt

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

@brookeoslin

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

@LoveNLunchmeat

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

@MandiAtRandom

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

@WornOutMommy

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”