@DadandBuried: 80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
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@RocketRankoon: "So, do you play any instruments?" Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
@BuckyIsotope: WHO SAID "YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED" A) Gov. George Wallace B) The Offspring C) My mom teaching me to do laundry D) All of the above
@Parkerlawyer: *at bar* Guy, “Do you come here often?” Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.” Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.” Me, “Was it something I said?”