Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
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at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Anyone really
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe