8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
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My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Breaking news:
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Banana is the quietest snack
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?