8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
You Might Also Like
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.