@abuya_henry

8:00 am – Packs Lunch
9:00 am – Arrives at work
9:04 am – Eats Lunch

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@5hael

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

@StellaRtwot

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “I’d rather be tweeting.” It was on a car that was flipped upside down in a ditch.

@HatfieldAnne

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

@slyoung5

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

@liamstack

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

@AbbyHasIssues

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

@daneZie

Hey hedgehogs, how about leaving some hedges for the rest of us?

@squirrel74wkgn

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

@NicestHippo

Thinking is hard, that’s why I appreciate websites telling me in advance how I will feel about the article