It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
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Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Friday
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me