8:00 am – Packs Lunch
9:00 am – Arrives at work
9:04 am – Eats Lunch

You Might Also Like


[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall


Just saw a bumper sticker that said “I’d rather be tweeting.” It was on a car that was flipped upside down in a ditch.


*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”


Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.


(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”


Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.


Hey hedgehogs, how about leaving some hedges for the rest of us?


The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”


Thinking is hard, that’s why I appreciate websites telling me in advance how I will feel about the article