($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
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I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Always the camel, never the toe.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…