Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
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All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.