@northernlivng24

8:00 Puts on lipstick and gloss

8:05 Buys coffee to ensure full lipstick removal

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@NottaBigDeal

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

@LlamaInaTux

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

@Aikiwomannc

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

@3sunzzz

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

@Auzzie78

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

@BuckyIsotope

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

@neledmax

My kid asked me what my childhood was like so I took the batteries out of the remote and had him change channels by hand the rest of night.

@ItsAndyRyan

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many