8:00 Puts on lipstick and gloss

8:05 Buys coffee to ensure full lipstick removal

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I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.


Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim


When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.


My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.


Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.


Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo


Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.


My kid asked me what my childhood was like so I took the batteries out of the remote and had him change channels by hand the rest of night.


Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many