Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
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Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.