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Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Today’s tshirt
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.