83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

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me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda


Y’all know you can literally buy a turkey any time of the year right? Because I’m starting to think some of you don’t.


*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*


Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy


Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*


It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft


*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*


Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello