@1_swarthy_dude

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

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@punmagnate

Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper

@KalvinMacleod

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

@SarahThyre

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

@Uxmmi

Childhood injuries: Fell off my bike, fell out of a tree, twisted my ankle. Adult injuries: Slept wrong, sat down too long, sneezed too hard.

@robfee

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

@djdarrellripley

Her: I noticed you’re wearing one green sock, and one red sock.

Me: Yea, I’ve got another pair just like these at home…