@1_swarthy_dude

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

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@KeetPotato

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

@freefanaddict

Y’all know you can literally buy a turkey any time of the year right? Because I’m starting to think some of you don’t.

@Tmoney68

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

@vonTraphaus

Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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@jimmytorosian

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

@TheRealPalMal

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

@InternetHippo

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

@squirrel74wkgn

*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*

@Browtweaten

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello