me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
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*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor