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WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.