@stats_canada
@lincnotfound
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, weβve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
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@lincnotfound
@Kevaclysm
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
@MumInBits
Please spare a thought for my 3yo who today discovered the lemon muffins she asked me to bake taste of actual lemon and not chocolate
@insanelynormal1
It all went downhill when he texted me he’s abscessed with me.
@CatsVsHumanity
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
@Storminika
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
@lisaxy424
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
@AndrewChamings
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
@KyloR3n
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
@iamspacegirl
ME *sees baby crab in stroller*: He’s so cute! I just wanna rip his lil legs off dip em in butter and eat them!
MOM CRAB *beaming*: thank u