84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
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Shorty got
⚪️ low
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⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Perfect.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road