84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

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doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo


doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo


New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you


Please spare a thought for my 3yo who today discovered the lemon muffins she asked me to bake taste of actual lemon and not chocolate


At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead


I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.


4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.


[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*


dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it


ME *sees baby crab in stroller*: He’s so cute! I just wanna rip his lil legs off dip em in butter and eat them!

MOM CRAB *beaming*: thank u