85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
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Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
“That’s what” – She
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.