Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
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INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.