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*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”