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Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.