The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Teamwork makes the dream work.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
The point of your 20s
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug