@jergarl

87% of my day is spent remembering my kids names and my anniversary and stuff and the other 57% is trying to do math.

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@shutupmikeginn

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

@3sunzzz

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

@slyoung5

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

@notalogin

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

@Bob_Heller

Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.

@junejuly12

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

@TheRealPalMal

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

@mattgallo123

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers