Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
87% of my day is spent remembering my kids names and my anniversary and stuff and the other 57% is trying to do math.
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What did watching Cinderella teach us?
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
They are not wrong.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers