878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
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I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail