@ObscureGent

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

You Might Also Like

@jonnysun

dog who is interested in graphic design, lookig at the new pantone color of the year: i dont get it, everey year its just the same dam color

@StellaGMaddox

My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.

@iwearaonesie

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

@nash_official

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

@13spencer

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

@Michabean

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

@ddsmidt

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

@JohnLyonTweets

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

@ParentNormal

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.