88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
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Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
so i’m at the stock market right
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
At an art museum and I thought this was art
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.