88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

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dog who is interested in graphic design, lookig at the new pantone color of the year: i dont get it, everey year its just the same dam color


My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.


[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*


my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself


I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.


Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.


Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.


Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.


Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.


I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.