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Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Oh. My. God.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.