89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
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I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Selfie
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Spider-cat: No One Home
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book