“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
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Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
My phone can hold 5000 songs or 1 voicemail from my mom
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Me: I don’t really.
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.