89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
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My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi