In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
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*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.