@keelyflaherty

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

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@Lisabug74

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

@patrickhogan91

*Frankenstein arrives with his monster at a bodybuilding contest*
“Oh, you meant… you meant it like… ugh. Well that was a waste of time”

@MelvinofYork

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

@100percent001

If we both go for the last slice of apple pie at the same time, I will bury my fork in your throat.

@Tommytoughstuff

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

@Brampersandon_

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

@RafflesWord

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.