[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
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My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
The answer is funnier than the question
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials