Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
8:I like cheese!
Me:I like cheese more.
8:No! I like cheese more! I love cheese!
Me:You don’t know what you’re getting into here.
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If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
With a stolen credit card, who WOULDN’T go straight to Wendy’s to get 2 Double Stacks and a small Sprite? So thanks for asking for ID, lady.
Give a banana to your uninvited house guest. Hold another banana up to your ear. Only respond to questions asked thru the “banana phone”.
Me: Alexa, watch our kids.
Wife: wait, really?
Me: shhh, lets leave before she changes her mind!