My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
8:I like cheese!
Me:I like cheese more.
8:No! I like cheese more! I love cheese!
Me:You don’t know what you’re getting into here.
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If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I literally use hyperbole seven billion times a day.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
[at SunMaid farms with a guy]
Guy: so is this a date?
Girl:… No? These are raisins
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic