*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
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Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?