8:I like cheese!

Me:I like cheese more.

8:No! I like cheese more! I love cheese!

Me:You don’t know what you’re getting into here.

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My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.


If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.


As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.


*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”


[at SunMaid farms with a guy]

Guy: so is this a date?
Girl:… No? These are raisins


I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow


You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.


whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic