@just1fool

8:I like cheese!

Me:I like cheese more.

8:No! I like cheese more! I love cheese!

Me:You don’t know what you’re getting into here.

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@Prero22

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

@OllyiConic

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

@perlhack

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

@PanicRestroom

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

@sweet_toof

With a stolen credit card, who WOULDN’T go straight to Wendy’s to get 2 Double Stacks and a small Sprite? So thanks for asking for ID, lady.

@JennInTheCorner

Give a banana to your uninvited house guest. Hold another banana up to your ear. Only respond to questions asked thru the “banana phone”.

@NewDadNotes

Me: Alexa, watch our kids.

Alexa: ok.

Wife: wait, really?

Me: shhh, lets leave before she changes her mind!