@my_minivan_life

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

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@iinkedZombie

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

@McGrumpenstein

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

@ThatBrenna

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

@BunAndLeggings

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

@Lhlodder

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

@TheBoydP

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

@Trudacious

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

@SamuelHlowe

Ugh! I always think of the best comebacks when I’m burying the body.

@WritePlay

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana