8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
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*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.