8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
You Might Also Like
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high