@LetMeStart

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

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@bridger_w

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

@HatfieldAnne

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

@AimeeHelene1

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

@simoncholland

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

@TheDairylandDon

Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.

@WilliamRodgers

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

@deardilettante

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

@RunOldMan

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.