8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
You Might Also Like
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
They’re not wrong
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch