8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
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him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.