@AristotlesNZ

8yo: Ghosts real?
Me: No!
4yo: I heard groaning last night
8yo: & a bed squeaking and moaning
4yo: What was that?
Me: ..
Them: ..
Me: Ghosts

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To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud.

@dumbbeezie

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@HollyHeals

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@brianbowman73

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I was naked.

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@delusions_of

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@adamhess1

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@iGreenGod

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@abbycohenwl

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life