My memory is improving. The horror.
8yo: Ghosts real?
4yo: I heard groaning last night
8yo: & a bed squeaking and moaning
4yo: What was that?
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To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud.
Give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you’ll have to fix the washing machine yourself with YouTube videos
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Another day, another police escort from an all you can eat buffet.
The church apparently thinks that gay and lesbian people laying with one another is unnatural.
As opposed to walking on water.
So glad I finally got around to correcting that spelling mistake I made to the girl I fancied 8 years ago
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life